Getting Your Needs Met!
…Because you’re worth it and you DESERVE to live a happy, fulfilling EPIC life!
At the very CORE of living an epic life, is you creating a way of being in this world that enables you to meet not just your needs, but your wants too.
Check in with your unconscious mind to see if any part of you feels resistance to the above two statements… Do these already feel true for you? Often in life, we do NOT get what we need/want and IF that starts to feel like the norm for us it can be easy to accept that as ‘our lot’, to even start to EXPECT that or code that belief at an identity-level, e.g. ‘I am not the sort of person that usually gets what I want/need’ or and that may become coded unconsciously as ‘Therefore I must not deserve to achieve my desires/needs’.
So, give it your thought and attention now: Are there any limiting beliefs like that which we need to bust wide open and replace so we can successfully proceed? Make notes/brainstorm/mindmap in your journal on this feels useful or necessary to you, (you can either do that now, or plan to do that later today). If it feels like you want or need to do some additional change work on this, you may want to contact your coach to focus on it in your one-to-one Epic Transformation sessions. It’s good to have options. You can absolutely use these skills without addressing residual limiting beliefs, but they will get you far more powerful results when you are aligned and clear about what you are willing to accept and when you’re aligned and positive about what you want/need. This is all part of clarifying and adjusting your ‘map of the world’ so you have more flexibility and options.
OK, good! Now you are ready to learn one of the skills that will help you create more of what you want in life, as it relates to your expectations of and needs from others. First, a fun fact: Quite simply, one of the reasons we don’t get what we want and need in life, has nothing to do with our worthiness or clarity, but is instead because we don’t ask for it, or we don’t ask for it in a powerful and aligned way. ‘I statements’ offer you a tool to assert your wants and needs WITHOUT giving away your power or damaging the relationship.
When we beg or ask favours, we give away our power and put ourselves at the mercy of others, it can feel nerve-wracking or even humiliating at times and we mentally put ourselves in their debt. In contrast, when we get clear about what we want/need and what is right FOR US, we are well positioned to ask from a place of balance and equality without being either unhelpfully submissive or awkwardly aggressive!
Have a look at the two videos that will help you develop this important skills and consider with whom and in what situations you are going to use this to get more of what you want (notice getting MORE may in fact looks like getting LESS of what you dislike too, that is applicable here too).
In summary, an I statement or ‘I message’ has at least 2, often 3 parts: 1. Describe the behaviour (in irrefutable/non-judgmental terms); 2. Describe the ACTUAL impact it has on you (if there is one they will accept); and 3. Share your feelings from this. Note that when you share emotions, you are not using them as a weapon, you are OWNING YOUR emotions so they can understand how it is for you (you are NOT saying you are doing this to me), that’s why avoiding non-feelings is such an important part of this communication tool.
Example: “When you greet or acknowledge the others in the room when you arrive at work but not me, I feel sad/bitter.” (No actual impact offered here because its likely to be rejected, but I could try “When you greet or acknowledge the others in the room when you arrive at work but not me, other people look at me as if questioning what’s going on with us and I feel sad/bitter.”
Also note, if I instead said “When you greet or acknowledge the others in the room when you arrive at work but not me, I feel insulted” this uses a non-feeling that projects judgment and as such I may well get a response like: “Well I didn’t make you feel insulted, I’m not in control of your emotions” or “Well you could just greet me if it’s so important to you”.
However, I statements used with non-blaming FEELINGS (i.e. NOT non-feelings) tend to trigger the mirror neurons in the brain and create a more empathetic response likely to lead to the behaviour change you want.
Depending on the timing and rapport you have with the other person and the context and dynamic between you, results can of course vary, so its good to know that if you offer an I statement and they do not choose to own the problem or change, you can add on a request to get them to the point. That might sound something like: “When you greet or acknowledge the others in the room when you arrive at work but not me, I feel sad.” If this produces a vague look and shrug from the recipient with awkward silence, so you can follow up with: “I would really appreciate a greeting in the morning.” When they receive that you might want to finish on a positive like “Thanks for hearing me, little things can make a big difference and I enjoy working with you.”